Within the last two days I've realized many things and a lot of them aren't very good but I suppose its always nice to realize some of these things in order to stop getting hurt. First off Thursday night I realized that there are not many people you can trust in this world if not anyone but yourself. I would like to think that I still have a handful of friends who I can trust but after the events of Thursday night I'm not so sure.... Someone gave my livejournal from Thursday afternoon to my ex Justin. He told me who did it but she wont admit to it which makes me question both of them. One he's never had a livejournal nor heard of it and for the most part he was pretty much leaving me alone. Then her on the other hand who does have a livejournal, who is friends with him too who has gone and talked to him about me before, really makes it seem like she did do it because well for one she is the only one who has my livejournal out here at school. I don't know who to believe and what not but at the moment I truly dislike them both a whole lot more then I ever think I could. I think maybe if the person who did it admitted up to it and said sorry I would be able to forgive them but if not then otherwise I have some very not nice things to say to that person. You are a horrible person who is not satisfied with your life and lives off of ours pain and hurt and all you want to do is cause DRAMA, and in that case I know you will get yours in the end. However, until then I never want to see you, speak to you again because people who say there trustworthy and friends or are a good person in the end your none of that but just pure evil!!! I would also say I hope you go to hell but I don't believe in heaven or hell. Now when it comes down to it who do I trust, well I trust myself and maybe about two or three of my other good friends and that is about it. Because I'm so sick of the bullshit where oh she did that and he did that but there is no proof of what just the entry and well who to believe... basically no one because if he cant prove it and she cant prove it then I trust neither. It's over, I'm sick of when things start to go okay and good someone has to come in and ruin them.
The next thing was my weekend turned out to suck a whole lot even though its not over with yet. Alex did come Thursday night and I was so excited and happy to see him and I believe he was with me too. However, when Friday morning came it started off with him saying we should go to Pittsburgh instead and I'm like thinking okay but why in my head, I was so excited for Cleveland. Well when we left and got going we actually never ended up in Pittsburgh nor Cleveland we ended up at the Erie Mall and walking around. I wasn't very happy at all but it was almost like what could I do about it anyway. I kept looking up thinking well its still early maybe we would end up in Cleveland after all. However when we got out to the car he asked if I minded if we went to Best buy and then headed back to Fredonia and he would take me for some lunch but he just didn't want to go to Cleveland, I didnt really say to much of anything because I was disappointed and hurt. I started to wonder and think what was this weekend all about...At Applebee's I asked him why we didnt end up going and he said it was because his youngest brother was all alone but he is like 20years old and he needed to help him out. I still think thats all some bullshit. I told him that I thought it was because he was still with the one girl he was with in septemeber and supposively engaged too and I was like I think her name was Amanda and he said no and just quickly changed the subject. He brought me back here to my place and we came upstairs and there was so much I wanted to say to him but I wasnt sure how to... He started kissing and making out with me and I pulled away every time and wouldnt let him and then I finally asked him do you have a girlfriend and he said no. Then I stupidly let him kiss me and hugged him closely and told him I missed him and he ask how much and then that was when I started to tell him some of the things that I had been meaning to tell him forever there just was never a right time. Right after I told him I missed him he and he told me that he didnt have a girlfriend he said that I think we should just be friends for now and I said okay and I told him that no matter what happened between us there will always be a part of me that will love him forever. He was truly my first love and he truly put me through hell and back. I continued to say a couple of things like the fact that I would always love him no matter what happened and he told me that I was good with my words and that he wasnt good with his. He told me not to cry because I looked like I was going to cry. I said to myself if there is one guy who can still make me cry its Alex but I kept thinking I'm strong and he wont get the oppurnity to see me cry again. He has in the past and I've made him cry once but it wasnt happening again especially not after I've grown into such a strong person. So I got up off of my bed and walked downstairs to go over to campus to meet Kristin and Lexie because it became a girls night with junk food and movies. I guess now looking back at it I was thinking he just came down here because he wanted some and since I wouldnt give it to him thats why we never made it to Cleveland but then again Kristin brought up a good point that if that was the case why wait until now. Which is technically true and for me I will never figure Alex out and he's way of going about things at all. I do however like to keep telling myself its because he is still scared of a committment that was always our reason and problem before. But he is 24 years old a man now and he has run out of accuse and reasons. And not that I have run out of love for him but he has given me enough disappointment and hurt to probably last a lifetime. He told me before he left that he would owe me and we would go to another to Cleveland another time and that he would still take me to a Bill's game when football starts up. And then at Applebee's when we were talking about Michigan and I said to him that he never got the chance to go to Ann Arbor he said well maybe we could go when school starts back up because then he wont have Summer classes and what not that it would be easier for him. I'm thinking to myself just more empty and broken promises or plans to look forward too. Great Alex just keep giving me reasons to look forward to more emptiness from you. And I thought you had changed.... I mean I could see some of it but you're still the same guy I loved who has changed a little but yet still full of disappointments and hurt for me.
Later that night watching the movie Heartbreakers and what a good movie is that. He sent me a text message at 10pm saying HI Leslie, I just wanted to thank you for letting me stay last night. I was happy to see you. Have a good night. And I couldnt believe that like what the fuck are you doing. I dont want to talk to you at the moment my good and fun weekend was ruin you did it and no I'm not going to have a fucking good night because you are an asshole.
"There's only one man.... And he is an ASSHOLE!!!!"
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